Joke Thread

[SuperBuickGuy]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

and if that one doesn't get me in trouble, this one should

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, Grandpa Gene, it was boring. We didn't see a single *******, queer, piece of ****, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing lib, blind bastard, dip****, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun like when I go with you.

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it

 

[SuperBuickGuy]

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP


1. it's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. it's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. it's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie.
4. it's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. it's very, very important that these four don't know each other.

 

[SuperBuickGuy]

A rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told


and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[Zach]

What do you do with 365 used condoms?








Melt them down and call it a Goodyear

 

[3Hummers]

Smart car. Oh sorry, that is an old one.

 

[06 H3]

What do you do with 365 used condoms?








Melt them down and call it a Goodyear

Hahahahaha seems fitting seeing 5 Goodyear sidewalls have been killed on the trail.

 

[SuperBuickGuy]

Subject: Wink issue

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

[Bananatank]

http://www.jeepforum.com/forum/f176/jeep-recovery-vehicle-972417/index2.html i thought it was funny maybe yall might enjoy it


06 yellow h3 called "bananatank",

 

[SuperBuickGuy]

Jeep folks are a different breed.
Still, I do have a spare-tire cover for my H3 that says "Jeeps are for girls" ... gets a rise out of them every time.

 

[Bananatank]

Jeep folks are a different breed.
Still, I do have a spare-tire cover for my H3 that says "Jeeps are for girls" ... gets a rise out of them every time.

Do you really? Thats awesome!


06 yellow h3 called "bananatank",

 

[SuperBuickGuy]

Letter to My Animals:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food, Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and dish, not do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is: kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit And Always Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here, you don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture!)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

 

[SuperBuickGuy]

And, if you think lawyers don't have heart, read the best lawyer story of all time... bar none.

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.



So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.



The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is
over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community?.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying
after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving
her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?