Drugs

[poncho1965]

Druggie son. Gave him an out and let him stay at my house. Within a week he's broken all my rules, drug use, failed at the job prospect (after one hour). When does it get better? He's 24 btw. I'm at a loss at what else I can do. Been dealing with this since he was 17. Some free advice: meth is bad. Don't go down that road.


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[06 H3]

Good luck to you man. That sucks...seeing he's 24 idk if there's much you can do but if he's staying at your place you have some more leverage. I'd probably search his room take the door off leave him a bed and that's it. Not sure if he has a car but if so hide the keys. Make it tough for him to go get drugs or go out.

I'm only a few years younger then him and not sure how he started but peer pressure is crazy nowadays. Luckily I stayed away from the drug scene.

 

[Ed's06h3]

Sorry to hear that... I have a cousin that was on the same road several years back. We (family) tried everything but nothing worked. He joined the marines 5 years ago & he's been in it/clean ever since. A completely different person..... may be that's something your son can look into

 

[06 H3]

That's a great idea Ed!

 

[Green 1]

I have no idea how to deal with this and would not even want to try to advise you. I like the military idea. Good luck Drugs or not he is still your son and that must be hard.

 

[06 H3]

Another thought he has to want it and he may resent you for doing what I said its almost like you have let him hit rock bottom no family no job no car no friends and want to change and possibly move to an area where he can't associate with people he gets it from

 

[3Hummers]

Addiction is addiction. My partner's son abused alcohol. They sent him to several dry out programs but he couldn't shake the booze, not sure he ever wanted to. Fell, hit is head, brain hematoma and dead at 31. Smart , good looking kid. Had all the potential in the world. I knew the kid from the time he was 5 years old. No amount of heart felt talks and good intentions made any difference in the end. If your son doesn't want to kick the addiction with every fiber in his body then nothing you do will make any real difference.
Nothing in my life has ever had that type of hold on me. I never smoked, only socially drink, never got into drugs so I can't honestly say that I understand addiction. I can only say that if the addicted doesn't want to kick it 100% then everyone else's efforts are doomed to failure, at least that is what I have seen.
Best of luck with this. I know how gut wrenching this can be for friends and family.

 

[twinmill28]

A lil jail time will fix him right up. Worked like a champ for my sisters boy--he was a meth head, running with the skin head crowd in Phoenix for awhile, thought he was a real bad ass. He used to pawn stuff out of my sisters house, broke into the next door neighbors house and other houses on the street. They tried a scared straight boot camp, no dice. He finally got caught stealing and spent some time in jail. That scared the hell out of him, he realized he wasn't a bad ass and that those guys in jail were really freaking crazy. Once he got out, he cleaned up, got a job and worked his way into a respectable position---basically he grew up.
Good luck with that mess; I'd have a hard time seeing him like that, and I''d have an even harder time letting him in my house. My daughter isn't nearly that bad, no drugs, and I've already begun her countdown to 18 if she doesn't pull her head out. My wife doesn't want to kick her out, but fully understands my position that I'm drawing the line. If you can't trust them in the house (which I doubt you can), you've got a hard call to make.
Our prayers for you and your family to come out on top.

 

[Dennis]

My older brother died at age 29 from life long alcoholism..My family tried everything..somethimes all you can do is hope you can be there when they trip..and help them..sometimes nothing helps or matters..the drug wins...Just be sure to let him know that he has people and he'll never be alone..He needs to know that..and God willing, he may grow out of it and wake up....seek help from experts too..

Good luck

 

[Kyle]

Being a high schooler i know what its like for drugs and peer pressure to run your life, i see it everyday. i know a couple of kids who have gone down that path. i had one friend whose parents caught him smoking weed. all i can say is what they did was terrible, awful, and un-describable. But he hasnt touched drugs ever since that day and has really cleaned up his act. i would try maybe find away to mentally scare the living day lights out of him, the brain learns quick.

 

[Expendable]

I know he is family and I do not know you and or your family so please don't take this the wrong way. I mean no offense. But living in this state, and the fact that he is living under your roof on your property means you can be liable for him and his actions. So be careful with him living in your house.

 

[ReconH3]

Sorry to hear that... I have a cousin that was on the same road several years back. We (family) tried everything but nothing worked. He joined the marines 5 years ago & he's been in it/clean ever since. A completely different person..... may be that's something your son can look into

What he said. I lost my parents very young and I tried to make it by myself at 14. Ended up a junkie until at 16 my uncle, a General, and a cousin, also a General, grabbed by the nuts and put me into an experimental service in the UN. It saved my life, and made me the person I am today. The UN service wasn't really what did it for me, but the fact that I was always surrounded by Marines and Sailors. They took turns looking out that I stayed straight. I would strongly suggest the Marines Corps, simply because the have the tightest group with the highest moral standards.


"Ex Umbris Venimus"

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[poncho1965]

Thanks for the input we have tried so many ways to help if he is not rock bottom I most certainly am. We pushed hard for the military option when he was 17 and he resisted, shortly after he turned 18 he was well into harder drugs like meth or heroin, and was convicted on a felony burglary charge. So the military is no longer an option. He's been in and out of jail since 18. Same for rehabs. He does well for a while but cannot stay clean long. He cannot get funding for those programs any more. Leaving the state is not an option since he is on parole. We helped this time since the options have dried up, even lined up a pizza delivery job and volunteered my car for that, he blew that opportunity in one hour. He had used meth 36 hours prior, and this stuff has him extremely paranoid and basically not able to deal with any normal interaction with the public. I have worked on the tough love approach for a long time, not enabling him to continue his path. But his mother is the coddling type and undermines most of my efforts. My way of thinking is driven by getting this to stop so he is not victim to an overdose, no matter how hard I have to be. In the end I can see meth is some crazy powerful stuff and its not do easy to kick.

I appreciate all the feedback, as much time as I've devoted to helping him kick this problem I feel I have not considered all options. This is hell on family and those that care about him and I would not wish anyone to go through what we have. The stress is incredible but all I can do is go a day at a time. Thanks for listening!


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[telemike]

Have you watched Intervention? Enabling is the worst thing to do.

He needs to hit rock bottom before he turns around. Needs to attend NA at least. Sorry to hear about the problems, I know you feel

 

[cbetts]

Well, I was result of tough love. Now, I was not on drugs, but needed a serious adjustment in life. I came home one day to find the house re-keyed and my stuff on the front yard. I lived in the back of a pickup for several months in the Antelope Valley . . . in winter! It took some time but I finally got my act together and joined the human race.

The hardest part is letting go. I know you care about your son. He is a "adult" and should have to live with his decisions. As long someone bails him out, he will never do it.

 

[3Hummers]

Thanks for the input we have tried so many ways to help if he is not rock bottom I most certainly am. We pushed hard for the military option when he was 17 and he resisted, shortly after he turned 18 he was well into harder drugs like meth or heroin, and was convicted on a felony burglary charge. So the military is no longer an option. He's been in and out of jail since 18. Same for rehabs. He does well for a while but cannot stay clean long. He cannot get funding for those programs any more. Leaving the state is not an option since he is on parole. We helped this time since the options have dried up, even lined up a pizza delivery job and volunteered my car for that, he blew that opportunity in one hour. He had used meth 36 hours prior, and this stuff has him extremely paranoid and basically not able to deal with any normal interaction with the public. I have worked on the tough love approach for a long time, not enabling him to continue his path. But his mother is the coddling type and undermines most of my efforts. My way of thinking is driven by getting this to stop so he is not victim to an overdose, no matter how hard I have to be. In the end I can see meth is some crazy powerful stuff and its not do easy to kick.

I appreciate all the feedback, as much time as I've devoted to helping him kick this problem I feel I have not considered all options. This is hell on family and those that care about him and I would not wish anyone to go through what we have. The stress is incredible but all I can do is go a day at a time. Thanks for listening!


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Whatever you do or don't do for your son, don't beat yourself up over this. ( as much as possible ) He is an adult and you can only do so much. He has to do it for himself, you can only assist when he is ready. Hopefully he decides he wants a different life before anything tragic happens. Best of luck on this.

 

[deserth3]

You can do all you want but if your son doesn't want to help himself there's not a damn thing you can do about his problesm. And they are HIS problems.
I work with someone who is/was in the same boat as you. Awhile back his kid (then in his 30's) got out of jail. Of course he let him back home. Well his kid stole what he could and then burned his house down.
It took a year to get a new house built and for him to move in. He disowned his son. But I'm pretty sure his wife still talks to him. I don't ask anymore. I told him a long time ago to cut the strings.
IMO... You've done way more than enough. You have NO reason to feel quilty. Kick him out and change the locks. NOW!! As cold hearted as this sounds he will sink or swim. It's up to him. By giving him a room and board, At this point in his life you are actually enabling him.
After reading this message, though his stuff on the lawn and change the locks. And quite honestly if his mom doesn't like it she can join him. Or she may have to make a choice between the 2 of you.
But get him out. before it starts affecting your health.
Good Luck!!!

 

[ArtHummer]

You can do all you want but if your son doesn't want to help himself there's not a damn thing you can do about his problesm. And they are HIS problems.

I'll second that.

Two stories for you, and 2 different perspectives.

There is a guy that I worked with who was a druggy. His dad owned a body-shop and was well known in the area. After dad died this guy inherited the business. He ran it in to the ground and had to sell it. The only thing he was left with is huge snap-on toolbox full of top of the line tools and start working as body-man in the place I used to work. Then his health started to go, his hands where shaking and he was rushing to finish the job to get some cash for a fix. The manager of the shop made him go to rehab few times with no result, 2 weeks and he was back on it. He couldn't get another job because everyone known his dad and him and the whole drug issue. The manager of the shops was the only person willing to help him, because he had allot of respect to his dad. Everything ended when he f**ed up few jobs and shop got in problem because of it and it was a time to kick him out. He sold the rest of his tools and tool box to get some cash, when that ran out he ended up on the street with nothing. That's when he went to rehab himself and decided to quit. I ran in to him 3 years later and he was clean. I couldn't even recognize him. He gain some weight and was looking like a somewhat healthy human being.

On other hand... A family with a druggy with no father and very loving mother. The guy is in and out of jail all the time. And every time he comes out of jail he goes under his moms protection wing. It got to the point that he was stealing his moms money and jewelery, he was running after her and other relatives with a knife in his hands demanding money. In one of this cases his mother was trying to ran away from him and ran in to the aunts house. When aunt sow the picture, she had a hard attack and died because of it. The where several instances that he could kill some of his relatives. He was ODed allot of times, his mom and other relatives revived him all the time. Currently the guy is in jail again and his mom is saving money to get him out of jail. All relatives are asking here not to do it, because everyone are scared of him(few times he was trying to rape some of his sisters or nieces). But she fells sorry for him that he is in jail and that he feels so miserable in there. I can admire her motherly love, but.... at what cost??? What if he will actually kill or rape some one???

 

[abearden]

I have worked on the tough love approach for a long time, not enabling him to continue his path. But his mother is the coddling type and undermines most of my efforts.

Get this fixed first. NOTHING will change until you are both a unified front against the addiction.

 

[poncho1965]

Get this fixed first. NOTHING will change until you are both a unified front against the addiction.

I've tried, god knows I've tried. He plays his mom and she does everything for him. I honestly fear for my marriage, and my health. Which do I sacrifice? We've been down this road many times and she refuses to see it for what it is. Her optimism is good but her blindness to reality is not helping him. Something's got to give :-(


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[telemike]

She needs al-anon group for enablers and co dependants

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[ArtHummer]

I would agree with this also. Sick help from outside not just for your son, but for your wife also. Maybe a third person perspectives will clear her mind a bit more. By giving him love and support she actually hurting him.

 

[poncho1965]

Asking for help she thinks is weakness. She's a strong woman, realizes he needs help but cannot see maybe she is not the one to help. We have had counseling but if she will not take the advice, it's useless. I think logically, basing things on past experience, she is running off pure emotion and mothers loyalty. He really needs to prove the promises he makes. Man up. She refuses to think of him as an adult and makes excuses for him endlessly. Thanks guys I appreciate the input!


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