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A joke or two...........
- Thread starter Gunner_45
- Start date
Socially Unacceptable Humor
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest 'member' she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! A
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass!
Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I
lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have
curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but
I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new
bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they
drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next
thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular
people-porn, you sick bastard....
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest 'member' she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! A
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass!
Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I
lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have
curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but
I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new
bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they
drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next
thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular
people-porn, you sick bastard....
- Messages
- 10,529
- Location
- Central Texas
Guess you had a slow day today. 
HUMMER INVESTMENTS
[o O IIIIIIII O o]
- Messages
- 3,518
- Location
- Black Hawk, SD
:agree: Had 1 slow part in my day, thought of doing something like this, but I guess Gunner beat me to it:wink:
A couple of Aussie expressions that were passed along by a former member.
Aeroplane blonde:
One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.
Aussie kiss:
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
Badly packed kebab:
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
Beer compass:
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise,even though you’re too pissed to remember where you live, how you got there,and where you’ve come from.
Budgie’s tongue or small man in a boat, or tongue punchbag:
The female erection.
Etch-a-sketch:
Trying to draw a smile on a woman’s face by twiddling both her nipplessimultaneously.
F*******F*******F*******:
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
Going for a Mc****:
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re justgoing to the bog.
If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration tothem that you’ll buy their food afterwards is called a “Mc**** With Lies”.
Mumbler:
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc i.e. you can see the ‘lips’moving but can’t quite make out what they’re saying.
Ragman’s coat:
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. “That mumbler looks quite fit, but I betshe’s got a kebab like a ragmans coat!”
Release a chocolate hostage:
To defecate e.g. “I’ve got one in the departure lounge, so I’m just nipping outto release a chocolate hostage”.
Salad dodger:
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
Aeroplane blonde:
One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.
Aussie kiss:
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
Badly packed kebab:
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
Beer compass:
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise,even though you’re too pissed to remember where you live, how you got there,and where you’ve come from.
Budgie’s tongue or small man in a boat, or tongue punchbag:
The female erection.
Etch-a-sketch:
Trying to draw a smile on a woman’s face by twiddling both her nipplessimultaneously.
F*******F*******F*******:
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
Going for a Mc****:
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re justgoing to the bog.
If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration tothem that you’ll buy their food afterwards is called a “Mc**** With Lies”.
Mumbler:
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc i.e. you can see the ‘lips’moving but can’t quite make out what they’re saying.
Ragman’s coat:
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. “That mumbler looks quite fit, but I betshe’s got a kebab like a ragmans coat!”
Release a chocolate hostage:
To defecate e.g. “I’ve got one in the departure lounge, so I’m just nipping outto release a chocolate hostage”.
Salad dodger:
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
MaxPF
AGNTSA
- Messages
- 1,394
- Location
- The dark side of the globe
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline… Got a freakin’ call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
erdlen65
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 243
- Location
- Pittsburgh
After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband used a dildo on her the entire time. Angry she stormed into the living room while he was watching TV with the kids and said, "Explain the dildo, you bastard!" The husband calmly turned to her and said, "Explain the kids BITCH".
ReconH3
Guardian Angel
- Messages
- 2,288
- Location
- Raleigh, NC
What's the best part of a BJ?
The five minutes of silence.
"Ex Umbris Venimus"
Sent from my iPhone
The five minutes of silence.
"Ex Umbris Venimus"
Sent from my iPhone
A retired couple are sitting on the couch watching TV. The husband is switching between the fishing channel and the porn channel. back and forth. back and forth.
Finally the wife says "Harold - leave it on the porn channel." "you already know how to fish."
Finally the wife says "Harold - leave it on the porn channel." "you already know how to fish."
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A retired Navy Master Chief, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came
to apply for the position.
The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.
The old Chief tasted it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old,
grown on a
north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss.
"Another glass, please." It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said
the old Chief.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary as to suggest
something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The Master Chief tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months
pregnant and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
A retired Navy Master Chief, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came
to apply for the position.
The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.
The old Chief tasted it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old,
grown on a
north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss.
"Another glass, please." It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said
the old Chief.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary as to suggest
something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The Master Chief tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months
pregnant and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks; 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies; 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says; 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains; 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies: 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says; 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks; 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies; 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says; 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains; 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies: 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says; 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what
was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a ****ing thing!"
on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what
was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a ****ing thing!"
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend say's, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened...?"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bas tard had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend say's, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened...?"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bas tard had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby.
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby.
Sexual Harassment..
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank. The midget."
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank. The midget."
Pappibri
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 1,611
- Location
- Cohoctah, MI
Guy walks into the bar and asks the bartender to get him a beer... The bartender asks him, " what kind of beer would you like ". The guy said " dont matter, just as long as its not a Strohs ". The bartender said ok, I take it you dont like Strohs. The guy said no I like strohs, its just that last night I must have drank 20 Strohs and got so drunk that I went home and blew Chunks... The bartender told him, no need to be ashamed, everybody gets carried away sometimes and ends up blowing chunks.. The guy said, " You dont understand bartender, Chunks is my dog ".